Using psychological communication techniques like those written about in my book Exactly What to Say raises several ethical considerations, primarily revolving around the potential to cross the line from honest persuasion into dishonest manipulation.
The central ethical issue is how these techniques affect a person’s autonomy, trust, and ability to make an informed decision.
Persuasion vs. Manipulation
The core distinction lies in the communicator’s intent and level of transparency.
- Ethical persuasion is transparent and respects the listener’s autonomy. The goal is to influence someone by providing clear information and compelling reasons, leading to a win-win outcome. All parties are aware of the intent and can make an informed choice.
- Unethical manipulation is deceptive and disrespects the listener’s autonomy. The goal is to coerce someone for personal gain, often exploiting their vulnerabilities. The motives and the methods are often concealed.
Key ethical considerations for using “magic words”
1. Respect for autonomy
Ethical communication treats people as autonomous individuals with the right to make their own choices. Techniques that bypass a person’s rational decision-making by appealing directly to their subconscious can be seen as undermining this right.
- Ethical use: Employing “I’m not sure if it’s for you, but…” to introduce an idea in a non-threatening way respects the other person’s ability to evaluate it on its merits.
- Unethical use: Using the same phrase to aggressively push a clearly unsuitable product takes advantage of their psychological predisposition to curiosity, effectively removing their free choice.
2. Transparency and hidden agendas
Ethical communication requires being transparent about your intentions. Using a pre-packaged phrase to conceal a self-serving agenda is dishonest.
- Ethical use: Acknowledging your motivation openly, such as saying, “Because of the fact that you said xyz , for that reason my best recommendation would be abc.”
- Unethical use: Creating a false choice, like “There are just two types of people in this world…” to get the listener to choose the option that solely benefits you, is manipulative.
3. Vulnerability and harm
Exploiting a person’s vulnerabilities—such as insecurity, fear, or a desire for social validation is a key marker of unethical manipulation.
- Ethical use: Using “Most people…” to provide social proof, thereby offering comfort or normalizing a decision.
- Unethical use: Using “Most people…” to prey on someone’s fear of missing out or their insecurity to rush a decision.
4. The win-win outcome
The long-term health of a relationship depends on mutual benefit. If persuasive tactics consistently lead to one person winning at the expense of the other, trust will eventually be damaged.
- Ethical use: Focusing on how the other person will genuinely benefit from the suggested action and being prepared to accept a “no”.
- Unethical use: Focusing solely on your own gain and using the phrases to steamroll a person’s objections. This may lead to a short-term win but will erode trust in the long run.
How to use "magic words" ethically
To ensure these techniques are used ethically, a communicator should ask themselves key questions, such as those in the TARES test for ethical persuasion.
- Truthfulness: Is this message factually accurate and complete?
- Authenticity: Do I genuinely believe in the offer and that it will benefit the other person?
- Respect: Am I treating the other person as a rational, autonomous human being?
- Equity: Am I using tactics that I would find acceptable if they were used on me?
- Social Responsibility: Am I promoting a positive outcome for the other person and society?
By reflecting on these points, one can use the power of “magic words” to clarify intentions and build trust, rather than to manipulate or deceive.
I’d love to hear your take… How do you use language ethically in business?
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